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Bothering the Dead

by Catherine Cunningham

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1.
God’s Shadow in the Cup If the words that they have told you here, leave you empty leave you dry Then though their words be wise and true, they are for you as lies Drinking at their well now, you never shall fill up for the Sun itself is brighter than God’s shadow in the cup N dy ay N dy oh All that you think are here, toss it to the wind And be unto this world a child of life and learn to see again And though you know not where you are, have none other as your guide But be unto yourself a boat, a beacon and a light And all this world could be your wisdom Though it burn like fire, it will cleanse like rain Until you find that lies within you All the love you lost when you turned from the pain I do not know these things you speak of I have no boat, I have no skin I am cold, oh so weary I’m torn upon these rocks, I am floundering Then all these things must be your wisdom Though they burn like fire, they will cleanse like rain Until you find that lies within you All the love you lost when you turned from the pain This is all I am now, breathing in and breathing out This is all I have now, breath coming in and going out And though all the world befriend me, still I am only this Though all the world condemn me still, I am all of this
2.
Bothering the Dead (part 1) My mother traded in the lies, the stories and the mysteries she’d heard She learned it from her mother how to bargain and carve up this world Learned it from her mother who I guess learned it from hers Now I got all these women sitting on my shoulders My daddy was a sorcerer, he made the whole world disappear I don’t know how he did it, but he hid it like he hid all his fears He learned it from his daddy and so on back in time Learned it from his daddy, just like I learned it from mine And all these things become my eyes All these things become my lies Become my light, become my sight, become mine I get it from my granddad, I like to spend my days in bed Dreaming of whiskey and women and trying to forget I said - granddad, won’t you tell me where it was you buried those guns? You take me all around this cemetery but haven’t shown me one I said - granddad won’t you tell me what it is we’re trying to forget? He said - girl don’t you know better than to come around bothering the dead? Satan was an emperor, specialized in women’s underclothing Said - render unto Caesar - so we gave up all our fears and our self loathing Nobody seemed to mind, was it a crime if nobody got hurt? And if we got nothing for nothing, well at least then we knew what we were worth And all these things become my eyes All these things become my lies Become my light, become my sight, become mine   Way back, there was a carpenter, he poured himself all into the wood But the colour of truth didn’t take like they thought it should The story was retold, he was bought and sold for what it said on the label I guess you lose your taste for truth, when you’re dining at the emperor’s table I came across an old man, he was staggering from the emperor’s table They had just done a deal to turn the land into fields and the man could take all he was able There was no talk of gold, no selling of souls, but the emperor had claimed her prize And when she arose, she said “behold your new clothes You’ll find I’ve taken the sight from your eyes” And if that old man cried in his sleep that night, they were tears he couldn’t afford All of his children needing him to clothe and to feed them and a bailiff banging at the door And all these things become my eyes All these things become my lies Become my light, become my sight, become mine My uncles they were astronauts, all floating out above their hearts Above the beatings and betrayals, and all the lies that tear a boy apart Way above this earth, way up where they said salvation could be won They floated high, they floated free, up where they didn’t need to see They were good and they were righteous, they were gone And if children cried in their sleep at night for the life and the love that they had lost Those who should have saved them from the beatings and the rapings, they were walking the stations of the cross
3.
4.
Night Flight 03:27
5.
Bothering the Dead (part 2) My Granny and the Virgin Mary were identical twins Not even the lies of 2,000 years could separate them My granny loved the virgin and my uncle loved her son And if that seems a little strange to you, well now you know just where I get it from I said “granny won’t you tell me about this war going on in my head?” She said “listen to your granddad, don’t be comin’ round here bothering the dead I said – “but granny . . . I come from a long line of liars and murderers, sorcerers, astronauts too Warmongers, witch burners, all saying the same things as you Ecociders and genociders, I said granny how can it be Slave drivers and child sodomizers all praying to the same God as me? Coz just like I was taught, I prayed to the god of my mother and my forefathers A God who could not save his children, a God who would betray his daughters” I said “mothers won’t ye tell us why ye’re teaching our children these lies They said “girl you don’t know nothing ‘til you’ve seen your son beaten and crucified” So I followed them down to the foot of the cross all those who had gone out before me My granny, my granddad, the whole damned lot all praying and trying to ignore me I said Jesus I don’t mean to bother you, I can see you’re busy forgiving But if you think this is the end of it, well you should know it’s just the beginning Coz they’ll kill and they’ll lie, they’ll rape and they’ll torture They’ll burn and they’ll bomb and they’ll maim They’ll march and invade, they’ll steal and they’ll conquer they’ll do it all in your name They’ll forget what you said about the lilies in the field and they’ll forget about the sparrows in the sky They’ll forget all about turning the other cheek – but, they’ll remember “an eye for an eye” And I know it’s not your fault and I know you’re not to blame And you probably can’t change any of this, but I guess now what I’m saying is I don’t care if you can raise the dead or if you can walk on water I don’t care if your mother was a virgin or who you think was your father It’s just I’ve been raised to praise the dead, I’ve got no prayers for the living And I’ve been drunk your blood and I’ve eaten your bread, still I’ve got no way of forgiving So it seems to me that somebody somewhere forgot something important you said And if you tell me what it is I’m looking to know, I won’t need to bother you after you’re dead” Jesus said “I don’t care what you believe or if you believe in me I don’t care that you share the emperor’s taste in women’s lingerie Now I could take you where you want to go, I could show you what you’re looking to see But I don’t see how you could believe in any of it, if you didn’t believe in me” I said “Jesus you might have a point there, but since I’ve been raised with religion I have a natural blindspot for hypocrisy and contradictions Yeah - I get it from my daddy, you can’t argue with me So you might as well come down off that cross and show me what I’m looking to see” Jesus smiled and said “that’s not how it works, not for you and not for me” And the next thing I knew I was stretched on a cross and I was screaming in agony ….
6.
The Queen of Hearts I am the Queen of Hearts, I reign in the dark Over all that moves unseen, I rule supreme I haunt your dreams I am the force of sight, I come in the night I burn long and I burn harsh - I burn bright I am the light Here I am again, yeah here I am again Here I am again, here I am again Going down, where the force of my reason don’t hold Down where the lights of this world hurt my soul Spinning round and around and around ‘Til I am lost, I am out of control I’ve been here before, I built the walls, I laid the floor I locked the door, I said “no more”, but now Here I am again, yeah here I am again Going down with the shards of my wings by my side Down, where there is no beacon, no light Down, with only my breath as my guide Yeah I know this hell, I know it well Every cell I have built from my own mind Only to find, that Here I am again, here I am again Going down, through the terror that I could not know Down, through the places where love cannot flow Down, to be lost, to be found in my soul
7.
Bothering the Dead (part 3) And then she came, in the middle of the night, she came naked as the day she was born And I knew her, by the twinkle in her eye and the way she held me in her arms And behind her was a long line of women, each one so proud of the one that came before her Oh I knew them, I knew them well, these were the women who’d been hanging on my shoulders I said - Mothers, oh Grandmothers, I don’t know how this got so serious I was just doing what you told me and the next thing I was hanging from this cross Now here I am, I’m cold and desperate, I am struggling to take another breath And if you don’t get me off this cross here, well soon I’ll be with ye hanging with the dead They said - Daughter, oh Granddaughter, you didn’t listen to a single word we said Didn’t we tell you, didn’t we warn you, not to come around here bothering the dead? Now here you are, threatening to visit, your granddad says it’s more than he could bear So I suppose we’re going to have to help you, but first you must change out of those clothes you wear I said - Mothers, ye do torment me, with such talk of trivialities If I’m to die upon this cross here, well at least I will die wearing what I please And anyway, beloved mothers, was it so terrible, was it so wrong? To be doing what I do here, I was just following the promise of a song They said - Daughter, oh errant Daughter, you know you were your mother’s cross to bear It’s no wonder she tried to shoot you, and your daddy tried to kill you with a chair! Now for once, shut up and listen, listen with your heart and not your head You know that’s all you ever really needed – you had no call to come bothering the dead I said- Mothers, how unchristian, can we not all just get along? If my character it displease ye, well I’m sure ye know just where I get it from! Now I am cold, I am dying, I am hungry, I am tired, I am lost Would ye not talk to ye’re sons now, and tell them get me off this shagging cross They said - Daughter, we are so touched here, we never knew you had such faith in us But you see, you are mistaken, you misunderstand the nature of your cross Though you be good, though you be righteous, while you wear the sorcerer’s clothes You will go cold, you will go blind here, for there was no love in the bargain that you chose
8.
Blind Yeah though a man he have the faith to move mountains But have not love, He have nothing And though she crawl across the desert on her knees repenting If she have not love, she have nothing, she have nothing She is blind, she cannot see, she is blind, she does not see She does not see how these walls that she builds round her heart They fall in around her now And all the love that she seeks, cannot reach, cannot touch her For she is bound By all that she hides, by all that she denies, by all that she will not name For what is not brought to the light will destroy her for it binds like the strongest of chains And she is blind, she does not see, how love might set her free And yeah though he sings with the voice of the angels But have not love, he have nothing And who would preach a gospel of hellfire and condemnation They have not love, they are blind They are blind they cannot see, they are blind and they, they do not see How all that they believe and all that they cling to All they would try to control How in the end, none of these things shall serve them For they cost them the light of their soul And what profit a man who would gain the whole world for a bargain, a promise as this? Now he wander lost, alone and confused for he does not know that he is He is blind, he cannot see, how love might set him free Who would strike at another in anger and hatred Must first go to war in their hearts And She who is love, and He who is awakened, says - Forgive them, they know not who they are Forgive us, we were blind and we did not see Tuam babies' names . .. . Maith dúinn, bhíomar dall, is ní fhacama, ní fhacamar
9.
Bothering the Dead (part four) Then I fell through the floor of all that I was, the stories, the hurts and the lies Down past the secrets of all my ancestors, their bargains and their self sacrifice I fell past my granny, my granddad and all those who had gone out before them As I passed them I saw their hearts stricken and raw, alone with no one to console them On and on I fell past the bishops and priests, past their holy wells and their holy Marys The unwanted looks, the unwanted touch, the unwanted women and babies I fell past all those whose desires ran like mine, but in times when such love was condemned And all of their lives they never could share or speak of what they held within Then I came to my uncles, beaten and drowning, struggling to take their last breaths And I watched with my granny, we were helpless before so much we’d been trying to forget Yeah I tumbled and fell through my own private hell - full of sorcerers, murderers, liars We were all doing deals, finding ways not to feel, and teaching each other to fly Again and again, we were holding it in, the fear, the desire, the self loathing My mother a child, just wanting to sing, my daddy just wanting somebody to hold him Then I found myself back where all bargains are made – back at the emperor’s table There I was again, a child promising to be good to be righteous and faithful I was making a deal, refusing to feel the terror, the shame, the self loathing I remembered it then, the panic and when I had traded my body for clothing There was no talk of gold, no selling of souls, but my clothes fitted me to perfection I was righteous and proud, no one could touch me now, in my cloak of judgment and rejection And I stood with my daddy, my granddad and all those who had answered that call I stood there at the altar, the sorcerer’s daughter, who had learned to feel nothing at all Well I looked at the emperor and she looked at me – I said “how can this debt be forgiven?” She said “the sorceror’s daughter must forget what he taught her, and remember the dead to the living” Then the emperor stood and I remembered the wood and saw I’d mistook the truth for a label I said “cut out my eyes, they are swollen with lies, I’m not worthy to sit at your table” Then the stories and lies all fell from my eyes and for a moment I found I could see The emperor smiled, she said “it’s been a while – or have you forgotten me?” Then she stretched out her hands and she showed me the land, and the place where the nails had been driven, She said “these are the stakes that stand between you and your place in the land of the living” And all these things Become your eyes, become your lies Become your light, become your sight Become yours
10.
Faultlines 04:26
Faultlines When all the world around me leaves me empty All the colours here yet I am blind The beauty of this place it does not reach me Here inside the faultlines of my mind I thought I was a sailor on the water Always dreaming of some distant shore But now I see this moment be my altar Upon which must burn all thoughts of boats and oars I can no longer navigate by reason I do not trust it knows this course it charts And deep within a voice it cries out “treason” And I turn now towards the beacon of my heart Who will love me now I am on fire here? Who will touch me now I have no skin? I’m torn upon the rocks of all I cling to By all I once believed I am condemned Give me strength that I might not turn from this moment Courage to stand firm in this place And wait here ‘til the doors now closed be opened And every step I take I take in grace See now how the road goes on forever See now how this journey never ends It is not ours to lay claim to the weather But to bow before it all and say “Amen” Amen
11.
This is Desire Wanna know now what you dream of, when you wake in the night You say you want peace, but you don’t say what it is you fight Wanna know now if the ocean comes to call you to pray Does it ask you to rise with the wind and call out those dreams you’ve betrayed? And tell me do you go then, to know again the fire To be raised by the wind and lifted on the wings of desire Wanna tell you that the ocean, it is not as it seems We are not our thoughts nor are we the players in those scenes And all these they told us, were just stories and lies It is not like what they said at all, we are soul in this guise And there are none of us not called here, none untouched by the flame We were born, we were formed, we were scored to be praising her name Just to sing mama, just to sing mama, just to sing Coz we were never angels, we are not of that fire But as we are of God, we cannot be unworthy of the choir So tell me can you hear it, the voice deep inside That whispers though all the world may desert you, still you are the light Still you are the truth here, still you are the way Still you, only you, can be true to this part that you play So tell me will you go now, will you answer that call To be unto all that rise within you, to be unto it all? To be only this, just to be all this, all of this Coz we were never angels, we are not meant to be Beyond the cares in our hearts and the ways that they see We are soul mama, we are soul, we are fire And the wings of our dreams, they were forged in the coals of desire Only desire mama, Holy desire mama, This is desire I’m on fire Mama, I’m on fire Mama . . . . I’m on Fire
12.
13.
We are Love 03:12
Her Name is Love There is only one way And there is only one church There is but one true God And Her Name is Love So not in my name, these wars that you fight Not in my name, these wrongs and these rights These are not my ways not my laws, not my words not my cause No, my way is love So let there be no words but these What you do unto those, you do unto me I am the way, the truth And the light and I I am love See how the light it shines always Though it seems only dark clouds fill your days Still through it all, the light of love it shines on Shines on and on So let there be no doubts, no fears There is no other way, there is no one else here We are the way, the truth and the light and we We are Love
14.
15.
I am the Way 04:25
I Am the Way Shall I tell you how it is to be standing here To be standing right here with you, right here right now Here where my thoughts arise, here where my soul abides Here where my spirit rise and soars on through it all Feels like love rising inside me Feels like light filling my days Feels like all life come to guide me To find and remind me, I am the way Shall I tell you, how it is in the morning time Boughs whistle in the warm sunshine, and I am alive Here where I am flesh and blood, and all that arise is loved Here where my spirit burns and cries out that I am I am love rising inside you I am light filling your days I am all life come to guide you To find and remind you, you are the way I have no song but the song of my mothers I have no voice but the voice of all things Here I am, standing proud by their shoulders Knowing all that I know here is that I am In my every breath, I am one with the forest In my every song, I am one with the wind See now how all things be my wisdom And I find within them The love that I am

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released April 24, 2019

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Catherine Cunningham Cork, Ireland

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